I've gotten quite a few emails and phone calls since my last post. “What happened?” What's going on?” First, thank you to my friends and family who were worried about me. Second, let me tell you all what happened.
Two Wednesdays ago, my husband and I decided not to send his sister “Sally” to her medical day program for four days. She had been screaming at the other clients (some of these folks can't even walk, let alone defend themselves against her), stealing food off people's plates, stuffing paper down toilets and overflowing them. Totally unacceptable behavior. On Thursday, I told Sally that she would not be going to “school” (that's what she calls it). I told her twice but she didn't believe me. When the bus came, as she was coming down the stairs, I stood in front of the open door and repeated, “You are not going to school today.”
She reared back like an elephant (all one hundred thirty pounds of her), came flying down those stairs, and started punching me and fighting me. That part is a blur. Next thing I know, she pushes me, and I fall on my left arm, and I'm laying sideways on the floor. It was a hard fall. I lay there for a moment in shock, also knowing that I had to go outside. Sally was banging on the bus door screaming, “OPEN THIS DOOR!” repeatedly. The bus driver is shooing her away. Her mother still had to get on the bus.
I drag myself outside to the foot of the driveway. When I get to Sally, fists start flying again. I had to get behind her, put my arms around her waist and physically pull her back away from the bus so her mom could get on. (Her mom just stood there doing and saying nothing the entire time.) I remember saying in Sally's ear, “You are not getting on that bus” until she calmed down. She walked into the house in front of me. I was behind her holding my arm that hurt like sin.
I was angry that day. I had to take Sally with me and the kids to my yoga class because I didn't want her in the house alone after that incident. Imagine having to cook for someone who just abused you. Then, I guess this is the next stage of grief, I was depressed. I felt like a complete loser. Why? Because I couldn't help thinking, “how did my life get to this point?” Sally knew what she was doing, even though in her mind, it wasn't personal. That's not the point. I had a bruise the size of Canada on my arm and the muscles alongside my spine were in spasm for a week. I need a chiropractor, but can't afford one. (I wish you were here Janet). Thankfully, I've bartered Reiki and massage therapy which has helped.
This happened to me by a family member I have been caretaker to for four years. In my house. Laying on that floor was a light bulb moment for me. No one has put their hands on me since I was twenty-two. A then-boyfriend was showing all the signs of abuse, so I left him. I didn't wait to get hit. I rolled out like my behind was on fire. In this case, I realized that I have not been using all the gifts God has given to me to lead a better life.
Oh, and before I get to the aha-moment, Sally and her mom are leaving. This situation has gone on long enough. The both have social workers, and a friend of mine gave me a contact person who can help get them in assisted living or group home. They are special needs adults who need the appropriate care. I'm all for taking care of family, but not the point of physical and emotional fatigue. Too many people have said to me, "Everytime I talk to you, you are sick." That's true. It's too much.
The aha-moment: I've been looking outside myself for answers to raise up out of this mess. Back in 2004 and 2005, very much like Neale Donald Walsch received Conversations with God, and Ekhart Tolle received The Power of Now, I received the Mocha Angel messages. I have a 365 day book of Mocha Angel messages that is done. Done. Ready to published. I realized over that difficult weekend with Sally, that I had been afraid to truly go public with that book.
I've been afraid of what people would think of me. I was afraid that I would be called crazy. The very day I realized this, Bill Maher was on The View promoting his new movie. When Sherri Shepard asked him, “Why don't you just talk to God and see what he thinks about religion?” Maher asked Shepard if she talked to God. She said, “Yes.” “Does He answer back?” Maher asked. “Of course,” she said. “Then you need to be in Bellvue,” Maher basically called her crazy. You can watch the exchange here:
It's at the end, so feel free scroll toward the end of the video.
I should know better. That is the gift my mother-in-law, “Mattie” has given me. I know what mental illness looks like. She's had schizophrenia for at least forty-five years, if not longer. I've talked with the psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, physicians, and know that her brain does not work properly. If Bill Maher ever called me crazy, I'd talk back to him like his was my red-headed stepchild. It's not funny. To call someone crazy because of her faith is offensive.
The other thing I would say to someone interviewing me is that I'm not that wise. When I read these messages I get, I'm like “Wow.” This stuff if beautiful. This isn't coming from me. It's coming from beyond me. This is the message from three days ago:
I trust in the Lord for all my days. Truth is my name. Magnificence is my destiny. I manifest the life that I want by proclaiming it in the NOW.
That's not me. That's from something that is loving, compassionate, benevolent, awesome, and beautiful. It's extraordinary, really. My friend Eleanor Justice, whose done Reiki on me (her website is www.reikisimple.com) said something that will stay with me. When I said that I hadn't appreciated this gift, these Angels, she said, “Think of it like giving one of your children the biggest, best gift that not only has he asked for, but that he's waited on his entire life. You give it to him and he rebuffs it. He asks, 'where's my other gift?' How would you feel?”
I said, “I'd feel terrible. I'd feel like he was ungrateful. I went through all this work to get him the gift he wanted and he rejected it.”
“So how do you think your Angels feel?” she said.
That stopped me in my tracks. Eleanor also said, “You will get people who will question your sanity, but they probably wouldn't read the book anyway. You know what you've got is real. Just go for it and you'll probably help a lot of people.”
So what I have done is channel the Daily Mocha Angel messages everyday for my yahoo group:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mochaangels/ without missing a day. And I've focused on the affirmation for the day. I did a new vision board for my life.
I've committed to doing workshop called Don't Die with Your Destiny Still in You for Spiritual Essence Yoga in Upper Marlboro, MD on November 15. I've committed to using what I've gotten from angels to create a better life for myself and my family. Period. Regardless of what other people think, my life is in my hands and I take responsibility for everything that I have created in it to this point.
Good does come from bad, if you let it. Even when I don't feel my best, like now, because I have not been raw, at all (not due to emotional eating, but financial pressures), I remain in gratitude. I say “THANK YOU” for everything. EVERYTHING. I'm now focused on my good, not the stuff I don't care for in my life.
I've gone back to my beginner's mind I had in 1997-1998. My first marriage was crumbling. I was working part-time, but I needed a full-time job so I could move out and afford an apartment on my own. I interviewed for a job at NetChannel, based on a newspaper ad. I enjoyed my interview, and knew I wanted to work there. Every morning, I would get dressed as if I had that job, and drove there every day as if that was my job. I did get hired. A few months later, my boss Eric, told me that they'd only interviewed me as a courtesy. They had decided the day before to hire someone else. Then I came in and knocked their socks off.
I didn't know anything about The Law of Attraction. I didn't have an angelic connection. I just knew I wanted that job. I acted like it was mine, and it was. After I left my husband, I read One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant and I affirmed my wonderful debt-free future. Eighteen months later, I was completely out of debt.
Since then, I've gained a lot, but I've lost my way as well. Sally knocking me down on my behind woke me up. I know how to change my life. I've done it before and I can do it again. This time, it's for good.
Each problem, seen from the positive side, always turns into a blessing
Each sorrow leads to your joy
Each doubt—to your knowing
Each lack—to your abundance
Each debt—to your freedom
Each feeling of hopelessness—to your power
Each cry of pain—to your comfort
Each act of anger—to your love
And each journey through the darkness—into the light
Thank you for reading.