Saturday, April 5, 2008

Day 5: The Closest I've Come to Eating

On Day 5 I had:

1 cup of orange juice

2 cups orange/pineapple juice

4 cups apple/kiwi/banana/butter lettuce smoothie

4 cups of water

1 Bolthouse Green Goodness smoothie

Okay, the good news is that I started my cycle on Day 4. I cramped a little but for the most part, I have been PAIN FREE. Whah-hoo! This is a big deal because since my tubal ligation in August 2006, all my cycles have been horribly painful. That is a side effect of the surgery, which I did not know. To walk around with no pain is AWESOME!

Now, to the most difficult part of my day. I got into it with my oldest disabled relative. When am I going to learn? My goodness, I know her brain is diseased. I know it. She is SUCH an emotional eating trigger for me. Ugh. In short, she walks at at 70 degree angle. She adds all this crazy stuff to her necklaces to make them heavier. And she carries that bag to school that weighs ten pounds at least (no exaggeration). I said to her, "Rom asked you to take everything off your necklace except the cross." Then I asked her to lighten the load in her bag. She has to lift it up the stairs one step at a time, then she takes a step. That's how heavy it is for her.

Girlfriend went OFF on me. And instead of walking away, I let loose too. This woman does not know how old she is, who her daughter's doctor is, nor who her own doctor is. All of this came out in our "conversation" yesterday. But yet, I did not walk away. My triggers with her are these:

- Saying "I'm sorry" has never sincerely crossed her lips. I know those are the two hardest words to say, but when you have spent the past 50 years hurting your family and you cannot see it, that is tragic.

- I am responsible for all the doctor visits, prescription pickups, service coordination, everything. And yet, she thinks she is and gets mad at me for handling everything. I get upset because I know what Rom and I have sacrificed for, time, energy, money, sleep, and most of the time, all I get back is an argument. I'm not saying all of this to paint myself as a victim. Forty-four million adults are caring for older relatives. Mostly women with kids, like me. I know I am not alone.

So you know I wanted some popcorn, right?

I called Amaadi and my mother to help me get through this. I normally eat in response to the insanity. Without the food, I didn't know what to do. My mother said to read something inspirational. I grabbed a book from the library called The Path of The Dream Healer by Adam. Turned to the table of contents, and there was "Achieving Emotional Equilibrium." Check. That's me. I read the section, wrote down my consistent negative thoughts, re-wrote them in the positive, and I really did feel better. I taped my re-written positive affirmations over my altar.

I have to let go. My older relative has a psychiatrist, therapist, social worker, four doctors, and nurses & friends at her day program (all of which I got for her). She lies to every single one of them. Schizophrenia is insidious. I am taking the positive approach. I will focus on keeping her safe, but she is attached to her dramas, and I am not. I let go, and let God.

And back to the food: Amaadi and I were out with our children yesterday. Her youngest son handed me popcorn and I was about to put it in my mouth, when Amaadi stopped me. I was so unconscious about it. This fast is teaching me a lot.

Detox symptoms: I am really, really tired.

That's it for today!


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